My friend Jodi is curious and introspective, so we’ve had lots of conversations over the years about what goes on in the world behind our eyes. The other day she sent me a story, saying, “This happened yesterday. It’s titled ‘Judgments.’ I want to know what you think.” Here it is.
I got on the elevator in the parking garage and a nicely dressed woman got on too. She was talking pretty loudly on her cell phone. I heard her say things like, ‘Please don’t raise your voice to me. I’m trying to help you.’ I figured she was talking to her husband and it was going to get good!
Then she said, ‘I need clarification on some things. You need to help me so I can help you.’ She started talking about documents to be notarized, blah blah, blah. I decided she was talking to a client or co-worker. I was no longer interested.
She continued to talk. We got off the elevator. I opened the door to the rooftop parking, then realized her arms were full and she couldn’t open the door herself. So I waited and opened it for her. She didn’t look at me as she walked through it. Bitch! You high powered women are all alike I thought. I started to get in my car when she came over to me.
She said, ‘Thank you. I didn’t realize that you were on the elevator when I got on. Otherwise, I would’ve had that conversation in private. I hate it when I have to listen to someone’s phone conversation.’
‘Me too,’ I replied. She extended her hand and introduced herself. ‘I was talking to my sixteen-year-old son and he thinks he knows everything!’ she said.
‘Really?’ I said. ‘Your conversation was so professional I thought you were talking to a client or a coworker! I am impressed. You are setting a great example for your son. It was so nice to meet you.’ End of story.”
I emailed Jodi and said, “What do you think was significant about this encounter?” She wrote back, “I thought this was a powerful woman on her cell phone conducting business, when in fact she was a polite woman just talking to her son. I loved that her words were so clear and respectful and that my assumptions were wrong! What are your ideas?”
I loved that Jodi was aware of her judgments and assumptions … and that she stayed open to what was unfolding despite those judgments. For me, this little piece illustrates how powerful our thinking is and how quickly our experience can change when we change our thinking.
Jodi’s assumption that this woman was talking to her husband triggered her interest. Then she heard things that sounded work-related and quickly lost interest. The woman’s conversation didn’t change; what changed was the story Jodi was telling herself about it: Ooohh, juicy intimate relationship stuff, great! great! gimme more! … nah, boring work stuff, get me outta here ….
Then Jodi waited and opened the rooftop door for the woman — a polite thing to do — and when the woman didn’t acknowledge, Jodi labeled her “Bitch!” and lumped her in with high powered women who “are all alike.” So she had an expectation about how others should respond when she does something nice, and when the woman didn’t meet it, Jodi spun a little story about woman-as-bitch and tossed her on the stereotype heap.
When the woman came over to say thanks and offer a polite conversation opener, Jodi responded positively. I suspect she was surprised to find a ‘high powered’ woman being polite. And she was obviously paying attention to the shifting tides of her own internal monologue. Otherwise, she would not have given the woman a chance to start a conversation. After all, why give an ungrateful bitch any more of her time? [That’s how easily an assumption becomes reality in the world behind our eyes.]
Jodi’s interest in the woman was re-ignited when the woman said she was talking with her son, probably because Jodi has two sons of her own. Now Jodi’s judgment of the woman shifts to the positive: the woman is setting a great example.
And then Jodi wrote it all down, gave it to me, and wanted my perspective.
I know, I know … most people wouldn’t dream of giving this much thought to a brief and casual exchange. I’m fascinated with it … with how frequently we invent stories about what’s going on, how quickly we get ourselves fired up or lose interest by changing our story, how readily we judge ourselves and others based on our story, and how rarely–if ever–most of us pause to think that maybe it’s all just a story we invented in the world behind our eyes.
How different would your day-to-day experience be if you took a wide-angle view and looked at your own thoughts and judgments as inventions rather than as “reality”?