One of my clients was lamenting that she wasn’t what she calls a “fast thinker.” “People who think quickly, like my boss,” she said, “generally get the better of me in any argument because I can’t think quickly enough to counter when I need to.” She heaved a deep sigh and added, “Got a pill for that? Or a book I can read?”
Actually, she’s very quick, witty, and articulate — when she’s relaxed, comfortable, and not feeling threatened. But when the stakes rise, she falls into a scenario that goes something like this. See if it sounds familiar.
When a conversation starts to feel adversarial, she’s hit with a flood of vague reactions and background thoughts about what’s coming next. Like most of us, she’s barely [if even] aware of them. But they’re enough to set off a physical response.
Her body pumps stress hormones into her blood stream. She starts feeling nervous, which sets off more internal talk and anxiety. She can’t focus or think clearly. Words lose their meaning. What tumbles out of her mouth is less than optimal — which throws more stress hormones her way. She’s wired, but she can’t think her way out of a paper bag.
When the cortisol subsides and her thinking brain is back in control, her wit and wisdom are again at her beck and call.
Sound familiar? It happens to a lot of us. The good news is that this reaction has nothing to do with our capacity to think quickly. It’s tied to those autopilot tapes and the autonomic responses they trigger. So to be clear, calm, and articulate, we need to expand our awareness of when the process is starting and how we raise the stakes on ourselves.
We can start at any of three points — mental, physical, or emotional – by observing what’s going on internally, writing it down right away, and using it to increase our awareness. Being more aware doesn’t make the anxiety or inner critic go away. But it gives us a heads up so that we can catch those vague reactions earlier and say to ourselves, “Ah, there it is again. What is it telling me about this situation?”
The sheer act of learning to be present, to simply witness what is, gives us a choice. Now we’ve created a breather, a chance to stay grounded in the moment and to acknowledge and let go of the judgment that’s altering the stakes. Inhale slowly, exhale the judgment, and see if your wit and wisdom don’t return.
Coaching tips
- Pay attention to – and write down — what you’re thinking and how you’re framing the event. When you slow down and focus inwardly, you can often ‘hear’ the silent judgments echoing in your head [“I’m not a fast thinker,” “He outwitted me again,” “I know I’m right on this”].
- Do the same with what happens physically. Physical changes precede emotional responses. Learning to recognize and read body signals – tightness in the throat, clenched teeth, sweaty palms – gives us a heads-up that something important is going on internally.
- Pay attention to and log your emotional reactions [“I feel like an incompetent jerk”]. The feeling now becomes a portal through which you can track back to the self-talk that triggered it.
- Suspend judgment. Treat yourself as you’d treat a valued friend, with compassion and understanding.
- Try one or two of the above for a few weeks. Don’t try to change anything. Don’t try to BE different. Just observe and log. Many times, just getting clear about what’s going on in the background and suspending judgment about it opens the way to new possibilities.